Why Won’t Men Commit?

Many women ask me why men won’t commit.  It’s a fair question and, judging from the declining marriage rates, it definitely deserves an honest and forthright answer from a man.  Now ladies, I need you to be aware that many of my brothers are calling this a true “hater move” for exposing the game like this, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.  So show me a lil’ love and listen up good. 

Recently I watched a panel on relationships featuring Sherry Shepherd, Jackie Reid, Hill Harper, Steve Harvey, and that cat who wrote The Denzel Principle.  Well, this question came up and the last guy said that men won’t commit because women bombard us with unreasonably high expectations that they don’t meet themselves.  In other words, his perspective was that women want the average Joe Blow to be a Denzel Washington for them while they remain a plain Jane or below average Jenny for us. 

I thought his response had merit for a female wish list, but was in tune very little with the real-life mate choices of everyday women.  Sisters give ‘regular’ brothers a chance all the time.  But somehow these brothers usually find a way to cheat or slip into the night undetected after wasting many of your good years.

So Hill Harper stepped up and echoed some of the “high expectation sentiments”, but added lack of communication as his reason successful black women couldn’t find a man.  In a nutshell, Hill Harper thinks that men and women are operating under wrong ideas about each other that skews their communication.  Translation:  If a woman thinks all men are dogs then, when a man speaks to her, all she hears his “woof woof”!  Further, he feels that women need to give men more time to reach their potential, and even help them to do so.  One other point Hill Harper made was that good men are tired of getting rundown as ‘no-good’ by women who have been hurt by losers.

I like Hill’s points better, but I still think they lack a bit of transparency.  If there is one thing men can’t accuse women of, it’s lack of communication.  But the idea for him seems to be that women either: (1) often don’t hear what men are truly saying to them in terms of wanting (or not wanting) to commit or (2) don’t support their men enough to the degree that the man “realizes his full potential”.  I know ladies.  My lips are pressed together on this one, too.  Who’s been supporting men if not women?  This has “Yeah right” written all over it.  Sure, I think this is accurate for somebody out there, but it doesn’t really hit the heart of why men won’t commit.  In other words, communication is always a hot topic.  Still, that’s not why men back away from jewelry stores.

Steve Harvey had the most candid and insightful response.  Very simply, he said men don’t commit because women don’t force them to.  Period.  Now that doesn’t appeal to many ladies because ladies are socialized to feel that the man should eventually pledge his undying love in a timely fashion on one knee with a ring box in his hand.  Right?  Well, maybe.  But the reality is that men and women are socialized differently about commitment.  Steve Harvey summarized it this way: “The reason your ex married the next girl he dated is because she demanded her day and you didn’t.” 

Perhaps this is a way to salvage Hill Harper’s point about communication.  Ladies, if you don’t demand that your man commits in a specified timeframe to a wedding date, chances are he won’t.  Men feel they have all the time in the world for commitment.  Women know they have a finite, biological window for marriage and children, so you really can’t afford to be vague about your expectations ladies.  I know this doesn’t jive with what you hear in church or from Maw Maw, but we’re living in a new world where men don’t value commit as much…because they don’t have to.  And they don’t have to…because they aren’t made to. 

So please don’t think there was ever a time that men valued commitment when they weren’t made to, because there wasn’t.  In fact, I’ll be writing something shortly that breaks down the history on marital commitment…but that’s for another time.  If I did that here, my dudes would revoke more than my playa pass for kicking a hole in the game by Amening Steve Harvey.  I know it’s a different thought, but talk about this among yourselves, and you’ll realize that this is really what’s going on.                  

          Sometimes you can’t always be with your Boo on special days.  In a world like ours, business can be insensitive to the needs of family and relationships.  Other times, personal circumstances beyond anyone’s control may mean separation on a birthday, anniversary, or a holiday.  God forbid, but tragedy will strike every family at some time or another.  Take today for instance.  Trish had a death in the family and needed to attend a funeral out of state.  Consequently, we couldn’t spend Valentine’s Day together.  Given that I’m out of town at least three days a week, I make a dedicated effort to plan getaways and romantic events.  But when I learned that we couldn’t be together this year, it was a blow to my Mack game, but I had to man-up and figure out another way to make her feel loved.

          So one of the first things I did was organized a plan to take care of everything until she came back.  This might seem like a moot point, but you’d be surprised how much ladies worry about whether things are running smoothly back at home.  If you have children, letting her know that you’ve intentionally planned out how the house and children will be cared for while she’s away shows a thoughtful love.  Trish wanted to drive home to get the kids and then drive back to the funeral because she knew I am scheduled to be in three states this week.  But I made a few calls to friends and organized a sleepover that allowed her to stay with her family as long as she needs.  Stress decreased and your relationship strengthened at the same time.

          Next was that I shifted my schedule so that we can reclaim the time we didn’t get to spend today in the near future.  Even though her mind is preoccupied with sorrow and family business, your lady misses that “we” time you all didn’t get to enjoy.  Let her know that special days are treasures, not chores, by recreating some of those stolen moments.  Besides checking the “quality time” box, she may really need to unwind from the intensity of the experience and really share herself emotionally and intimately.  That’s where you come in.  It doesn’t have to be The Four Seasons or The Waldorf to accomplish the goal (though the Waldorf will certainly get the job done), but a quaint Bed & Breakfast or Inn without cell phones will be more than sufficient.  Even candles, cake, and Freddy Jackson on the carpet will do the trick if you can’t get away.

          Lastly, I put things in perspective and channeled my feelings to a healthy place.  Contrary to popular opinion (or maybe “macho” opinion), guys do get their feelings hurt.  Yeah, we don’t like to talk about it or show it as pain, but ladies, it’s pain alright.  Guys never expect something to come up on the lady’s end to jeopardize those special days.  We’re the ones that dread having to apologize for being late or forgetting a gift.  But when the rendezvous doesn’t happen, we feel disappointed and, yes (I’m breaking rule #1 in the Player’s Handbook), our feelings get hurt.  Now we’re so skilled at making hurt look like anger that you all can’t always tell where we are, but I had to suck it in and redirect those emotions toward problem solving.  After I did that, I had a different relationship to the whole thing because I could show my love to Trish in an unexpected but deep way. 

          For couples that spend lots of time apart because of career demands, creative love will keep your relationship strong and exciting.  Because in a world filled with separation and sorrow, only the strong relationships will survive.  Be blessed.        

You would be surprised at what a good man with good intentions can do in a few minutes.  In fact, if you do it right, it will only take a few seconds!  How’s that for results?  One of my mentors taught me the secret to my success.  He said, “Son, you’ve got to water your own grass.”  What he meant is that, in your daily routine, you see many good looking women that might appear to possess something that your special lady doesn’t.  But if you would pour the kind of attention into her that reflects your desires, your lady will be the finest woman in the land.  Translation: Water your own grass. 

The way I’ve tried to implement that wisdom is to keep my professional aspirations in the proper place.  That means I schedule a certain time everyday to write, workout, run errands, and spend with the children.  But there is always dedicated time set aside to spend with Trish that lets her know that she has my undivided attention.  I’m not talking about big money events.  Often, men mistake money for intimacy.  Yes the restaurant and the show are nice, but did you talk to her about her dreams?  Did you bring her some food after a long stressful day?  Did you tell her she can count on you no matter what? 

One thing I might do is surprise Trish with a foot massage.  Nothing says ‘I love you’ like taking out time to give a little unsolicited TLC.  She has literally cried because she appreciated it so much.  Another thing we implemented was that we would both have a night to ourselves to leave the house and relax.  This was important for Trish because given motherhood, work, and marriage, a sister can get overwhelmed easily.  One thing about stress is that it will show up when you’re at the breaking point.  You will be fine and the next thing you are “coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs”.  And the last you want is a woman that is “coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs”!  So do something.  And you only need to do one thing if you do it right. 

That night out is magical, though.  I make sure the children are fed, homework is done, bathed, teeth brushed, and put to bed.  When she gets home I may have done a little unexpected something.  That always wins points.  Even if she doesn’t go out, she knows that she has the ability to go.  That, in and of itself, is a stress reliever.  She has even planned an evening to stay home with me on her night because she appreciates the option.

We also do what we call ‘Date Night’ once a week where we get a sitter and go out for 3-4 hours on a date.  Even though we celebrated our 12 year wedding anniversary this year, we are still going out on weekly dates.  We don’t spend a lot of money.  Usually it’s $25 or less.  We catch a movie, grab a bite, or simply take a long drive and talk.  Just being away from the house and the children for a few hours makes a big difference.  Knowing that I am dedicated to our relationship in that way does wonders for Trish.  The fact that I’m interested in keeping our relationship healthy in an active way means a lot to her.  Every time she tells another woman about ‘Date Night’, her eyes light up.  I do have to pony up for a sitter, but ask any guy who’s relationship or marriage is in trouble if he’d pay 30 bucks a week to have a happier mate or girlfriend?

Man, just look into her eyes or look her up and down without saying a word.  You can create the kind of intimacy that you enjoyed when the relationship was young.  Go to the library and check out a book you think she would enjoy.  When Trish and I go on trips, I always bring 2 of the same novel for us to read together.  It’s just another thing for us to share and draw us closer.  Take her for an after-dinner walk and hold her hand.  The thing about focusing on her is that you don’t have to say a word to do it!  Write her a poem or ask her where she’s always wanted to go.  Swap funny stories or greatest fears.  It only takes a few minutes of consistent attention everyday to improve your relationship. 

Grass needs water to grow.  Your lady needs your attention to feel good about the relationship and to give you what you need.  So gentlemen, take it from me, water your own grass.